Today I am pleased to share some thoughts from my dear friend Martha. Martha and I went to college together for one year, and then didn't see each other for ten years - until last weekend when I was way out in Washington state visiting my brother and had the pleasure of spending a lovely afternoon with Martha and her sweet children. It's amazing how good friends can be kept through long distances and even long bouts of no communication. After reading Martha's post please show her your appreciation by commenting with your thoughts and experiences.
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A great big thank you to Sarah for asking me to do a guest post on her blog!! I was thinking of different topics I could write on. I am the kind of person who can be extremely socially awkward. ("Sorry! I'm awkward! Sorry!") I have a hard time with small talk. But if you want to talk about something deep, I'm there. Not that I have all the answers or consider myself an overly "deep" person, I just love discussing things that are heavy and meaty. Today I want to discuss the topic of grief. Specifically, how to help someone you know and love who is grieving.
To start off with, a brief intro on who I am. I am a Michigan girl who fell in love with a Washington farmer (my sis is married to his bro so it worked out real nice for us). I moved cross country when we got married. We have three beautiful littles and a few in heaven. I love spending my time reading to my kids, digging around in my garden, fermenting things, and finding ways to create a better budget in order that our family can have an added level of security. I love dabbling in many different crafty things from jewelry-making to floral design (Jane of all trades, master of none??)
A few years ago we suffered the loss of an unborn child. My last pregnancy was extremely difficult and we nearly lost that baby several times as well. It has caused me to look through a new lens in life. It made me think, "Are people walking around carrying pain I don't even know about? Do they really just slap a smile on their faces and pretend everything is ok?" Well, I don't know what happy land I was living in, but, yes. People are hurting.
It was my desire to set off in the pursuit of finding ways to help those with hurting hearts. If you've ever experienced a loss of any kind, you may be saying, "There's nothing anyone CAN do to make this better." And you'd be right. No one can restore that person back to you. Shortly after my miscarriage I remember waking up after a beautiful dream. For a few seconds I was smiling and thinking the world was so rosey. Then I remembered what had just happened in my body-my womb had become a tomb. A place that was supposed to give and nurture life had been unable to sustain the precious life God had given me.
I asked several of my friends to give input on what grief looks like to them. If you are reading this and you are one who helped out, thank you so much for entrusting me with a piece of your heart. I value your trust and am thankful to be able to share what insight you've given me. I heard from those who have lost babies, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, beloved grandparents, and dear friends. Some of the losses have been very recent. Some were 30 years ago. I asked the same 5 questions to all, and it was amazing the common themes in response from all the different people. I will share with you each of the questions, as well as some of the responses I got.
1) What was one of the most encouraging things anyone SAID to you at the time of your loss?
-"Trust in the Lord"
-"I don't remember anything anyone said, but I DO remember that they were present..."
-"I love you"
-"I honestly don't remember what people said to me"
-"If you ever need to talk, I'm here"
-"I've gone through this before too, and am here if you need to talk"
2) What was one of the most inconsiderate things anyone said to you at the time of your loss?
-"The fact that they said NOTHING really hurt"
-"Not saying anything or pretending it didn't happen. Never bringing up the subject"
-"You'll get over it"
-"Making my pain a competition. Saying something like, "At least you didn't have to go through what I went through.' When this was MY pain, not a time to compare or belittle what I was going through"
-"At least you were ABLE to get pregnant"
-"Well, you have other kids, so this shouldn't be such a big deal"
-"Don't worry, you'll get pregnant again"
-"You just need to get over this and move on"
3) Was there an act of kindness that someone DID that made a huge impression on your heart at the time of your loss?
-"A friend came and helped clean my home for me"
-"My friend drove several hours to come to the funeral. It was such an encouragement to have her there"
-"Someone researched 'What NOT to say to someone that has recently lost a loved one'. It meant a lot that she cared enough to not want to say the wrong thing"
-"Friends brought meals"
-"People took care of food for the services"
-"A friend came and just let me cry. She didn't try to 'fix it' or 'make me feel better'-she was just THERE"
-"Friends came over to watch our kids so my husband and I could go take care of some things. It was a great relief just to know they were taken care of"
4) What was something you WISH your friends and family had done for you around the time of loss?
-"I wish people had acknowledged the fact that our loss was an actual loss."
-"Allowed me time to grieve"
-"I felt like I had to suffer alone. I wish someone would remember me on the day my baby was due"
-"I wish someone had encouraged me more and prayed with me"
-"I wish there was no judgment-my pain will never be someone else's pain. I do wish someone would empathize with me"
-"I wish people would've acknowledged the fact that I was in pain. I may have started to cry, but it would've been a welcome relief to know it was safe to discuss my loss with someone"
5) What is something you wish people knew about grief?
-"Grief is weird"
-"I wish people knew to expect grief in a healthy way. It eventually happens to everyone and is natural"
-"Grief comes in waves. ANYTHING can trigger emotions and there is no set time for closure"
-"Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time"
-"Time does lesson the pain, but it's always there to some degree through life's big moments when you wish they were there"
-"That it never completely goes away"
-"In grief, your mind is muddled. Try and take away as much decision-making as possible from the person who is grieving"
I am by no means a grieving expert (is anyone?). I was amazed that all the responses were different circumstances, stories, and situations, but there were definitely common themes and take aways.
Not everyone grieves the same. One person's burden of loss may look differently than yours. And that is OK. We are all different human beings, after all, and all process things very differently. This is important to realize because another common cord was the one of casting judgment. Please do not cast judgment on a grieving loved one. They are hurting enough. Now is not the time.
Please do not say "At least". Can you think of a time this phrase was helpful to you? Prolly not... "At least you could get pregnant", "At least you know they're in heaven", "At least they didn't suffer like my Mom did", "At least you have a loving family to comfort you", "At least it was quick". All of these phrases could be 100% true. But they are not helpful in bringing comfort from present pain. I don't think people intentionally set out to hurt with their words. I think most people just don't think about the power of words (and I have fallen into this category far too many times. We are all human.) Try to remember-you are trying to comfort THEM, not say something snappy so you feel good yourself.
If we were all honest (even if we have gone through a loss ourselves) we can feel very awkward and uncomfortable trying to think of something helpful to say to the hurting person. Many people take the route of saying nothing at all. At the other end of the spectrum, of course, is not filtering what you say. Both can be extremely painful. If you fall into either of these categories (which most of us do), let your ACTIONS be your words. Send flowers. Send a meal. Send a heartfelt card. Remember the anniversary of the loved ones death and send a remembrance of some kind. Walk the hurting one's dog for a few weeks. Clean their home when they are out running errands. Watch their children so they can take care of some details around the loss. There are a million different ways to show them you love them. Silence is not always golden-so if words fail you, let your actions be your message.
Sometimes in life, whether in grief or not, we just need someone THERE. Not to fix our problems, not to 'make things better', not to tell us what we are doing right or wrong. We just need to know we have their support and love. I think of the book of Job in the Bible. (If ANYONE has known grief and loss, it was Job). His 'friends' came to comfort him. They ended up being miserable comforters, but initially, they came, they saw Job's deep inexplicable sorrow, and they sat quietly with him. Now if they had just left it at that, I think they would've been a lot more effective... Sometimes that is all people need-someone to BE. To know they are there.
Lastly, I'd like to briefly discuss the state of mind of a person who is deeply in grief from the comments I received. People who are grieving are not thinking with a clear head. Most of the time they are in shock. They are trying to wrap their minds around the heart-wrenching pain they feel. If at all possible, try and take some decisions away so they don't have to try and 'figure more stuff out'. Don't try and ask a bunch of questions (example: "What kind of meat do you want served at the memorial service." If it is within your power, try and take as much decision-making away) People who are grieving often feel very alone. It is important to know this. Physical contact can often be extremely comforting at this point. Take cues from the hurting person. What they may need is a "5-minute-let-me-ugly-cry-on-your-shoulder-hug." They may need an arm around the shoulder. They may need someone to hold their hand for a few minutes.
You may have read this and thought, "this is SO off!" Or maybe you're shaking your head thinking, "This is EXACTLY spot on!" Because grief is weird, and we are all so unique the answers are as unique as the people who wrote them. I have learned so much through this, and I hope there is something you can take away as well. Since we are all imperfect beings, there will always be things we do and say that we wish we hadn't. But knowledge can be power, (sometimes we muff it simply because we are ignorant) and it can be extremely beneficial to learn how we can help our dear ones in a more intimate and loving way when they are experiencing the intense pain of loss.
"Grief never ends...but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith... It is the price of love."
Martha
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